Maurie J. Manning Illustrations ©2006

bullying basics

How would you define bullying?
I love the definition provided by author Barbara Coloroso in her book, The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander. She describes it as “arrogance in action” and “contempt” for another person who is deemed unworthy of one’s consideration. What makes bullying different from the normal conflicts kids have with one another is the fact that bullying is comprised of the following key elements: the intent to harm; an imbalance of power; repeated aggression and/or the threat of further aggression.

Are bullies born that way or is bullying a learned behavior?
According to the National Association of School Psychologists, bullying is a learned behavior. In fact, many bullies have typically been bullied themselves and respond to aggression by lashing out aggressively at others. Bullies, therefore, should not be looked upon as the devil incarnate; rather, they are children who learned anti-social behavior at home, in school, or elsewhere in their social environment. And because it is learned, experts say it can be “un-learned.” The older the bullies, the more difficult it is to change their bullying ways—all the more reason to address this issue sooner, when bullying starts at a younger age.

What are the different types of bullying?
Physical aggression is the use of force to physically harm others. Relational aggression is the use relationships to directly or indirectly manipulate and hurt others. Verbal aggression is the use of words (threats, name-calling, teasing, etc.) to taunt and harass others.

What do you think is the crux of this bullying problem?
I think it all boils down to one word—empathy—and the lack of it. Kids need to understand that their behaviors affect others. They also need to feel that other people’s feelings have value and are worth their consideration. The more empathy and compassion children feel for their peers, the less room there is in their hearts for contempt and disregard for others’ feelings.

What can we parents do to help our children?
Just as we teach our kids proper table manners, we need to teach them empathy and social skills. Empathy and social skills are not innate; they must be learned and it’s our job as parents to be constant teachers and role models of prosocial behavior. For example, if you don’t want your son to be highly critical and judgmental of others, don’t criticize your neighbor in front of your kids. If you don’t want your daughter to share with friends other children’s confidences, don’t gossip about your neighbor’s personal life to your friends. Because we’re all works in progress, we need to view our children’s and our own social digressions as teachable moments through which we can learn from our mistakes and move forward.

Also understand that every child plays a role in a bullying incident: you have the aggressor, the target and the bystander (the witness/onlooker of the bullying incident). When a bullying incident takes place, you need to help your child identify the role he/she played in that incident and how his/her behavior affects the outcome of the incident. Ask your child: What happened? What role did you play in what happened? What did you learn from that experience? What would you do differently next time so the outcome wouldn’t be harmful to others?

What can I do if my child is a bully?
This question, as well as the next question, “What can I do if my child is the target of a bully?” are two of the most frequently asked questions I hear from parents at my presentations. They are also the most difficult questions to adequately address in this particular limited format. With that said, I would like to share my general thoughts: First and foremost, we must hold our children accountable for their bullying behavior. Bullies need to take responsibility for their actions. Kids who bully need to show they're sorry by making the effort to right their wrongs.

Many experts emphasize the importance of positive discipline with moral feeling—not coercive, punitive measures—when addressing a child’s aggressive behavior. That way, parents and teachers can help a child to make better choices that aren’t hurtful to themselves and others. Simply speaking, we must treat bullying incidences with an eye towards cause and effect; that is, whenever your child intentionally chooses to insult, exclude, hit or threaten others, he/she will consistently face disciplinary consequences that are predictable, fair and immediate. Stan Davis, anti-bullying expert and author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs: Practical Strategies For Reducing Bullying stresses the need for children to “learn that their consequences are a result of their own actions, rather than a statement of how the adult feels about them or an arbitrary punishment.” He further elaborates on discipline in a positive emotional context and offers some great tips on his website www.stopbullyingnow.com.

What can I do if my child is the target of a bully?
Below are some helpful tips included in the backmatter of my first children's book, My Secret Bully:

What would be helpful for the child who witnesses a bullying incident?
Research indicates bystanders can play a pivotal role in the making and breaking of bullying incidents. In their paper, “Making a Difference in Bullying” (LaMarsh Report, York University, 2000), Canadian researchers Dr. Wendy Craig and Dr. Debra Pepler report their findings that peers intervene in just 11% of the bullying episodes on the playground. However, when they do intervene and confront the bully, these bystanders can successfully stop the bullying about 50 percent of the time! Bystanders, therefore, can play the role of a hero, IF they are fully supported by adults and are protected from retaliation. If they don’t feel supported or protected, the bystander’s fear of becoming the new target of the bully could very well be realized.

Below are some helpful suggestions to encourage bystanders in a positive way:

FOR KIDS:

FOR ADULTS:

IMPORTANT: For more information or help if your child is a bully, the target of a bully, or a bystander in a bullying incident, go to resources for a list of organizations, websites, and recommended readings as your starting point.